We can always depend on The Onion, the fake news center, to come
up with odd ways of looking at the world. Sometimes I laugh out
loud; other times I just scratch my head.
I’ve been sharing watery slices of The Onion since I first
started the “Amusing Monday” feature in 2008. The video at right is
about how scientists react when they find water on the planet
Mercury.
The following are some of The Onion’s newer stories, along with
some old ones that never wear out.
Ending their intensifying tide of criticism over the marine
park’s unethical treatment of animals … Americans across the nation
announced this week that they were “totally back on board” with
SeaWorld after seeing an awesome and absolutely can’t-miss orca
trick…
“What can I say? I had SeaWorld all wrong—I had myself
convinced they were some sort of exploitative company that abused
animals in the pursuit of cheap thrills for tourists, but then I
saw that orca make a big wave by slapping the water with his fin
and I was like, ‘Hold the phone, I need to see that again,’”
environmental reporter Craig Edmonds said while imitating the
whale’s motion with his arms.
Fitting last week’s theme of climate change, The Onion reports
this story:
Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the
planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members
of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be
put down.
Radio News:
After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more
than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters
Wednesday he had grown too overweight to swim upstream and
reproduce.
Sources nationwide are confirming this week that the current
drought is bad and that water is very good …
Here’s a sampling:
— Your body is 70 percent water, so don’t worry: Even if you
were to drown, only 30 percent of you would die.
— Remember, you can’t leave young children unsupervised around the
pool, the way you do in the house.
— Don’t swim in the end of the pool where unscrupulous Japanese
commercial whalers are using gill nets and explosive
harpoons.
… A shortage of frozen water on hockey rinks in the
beginnings of previous seasons meant that players were forced to
adapt to less than ideal conditions, skating on whatever frozen
water was available and then trudging clumsily over the exposed
dirt or wooden floors….
“We also now completely understand—and agree—that all parts
of the rink have to be covered with ice,” Bettman added. “Even the
parts behind the nets.”
Perkins County High School diving coach Tony Spencer was
fired Friday for what he called an “old-fashioned no-water
practice,” a drill that left three swimmers dead and several others
in intensive care.
“If you can dive into a pool with no water, imagine what you
can do with a pool that has water,” the 72-year-old Spencer said as
he was led to a police car…
A rainstorm that in August 1986 was told to “go away” and
advised to come again another day returned Monday, soaking the
downtown Adair area for much of the afternoon.
A non-water video you may find amusing:
More Office
Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks
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