We can always depend on The Onion, the fake news center, to come up with odd ways of looking at the world. Sometimes I laugh out loud; other times I just scratch my head.
I’ve been sharing watery slices of The Onion since I first started the “Amusing Monday” feature in 2008. The video at right is about how scientists react when they find water on the planet Mercury.
The following are some of The Onion’s newer stories, along with some old ones that never wear out.
Nation Back On Board With SeaWorld Following Awesome Orca Trick
Ending their intensifying tide of criticism over the marine park’s unethical treatment of animals … Americans across the nation announced this week that they were “totally back on board” with SeaWorld after seeing an awesome and absolutely can’t-miss orca trick…
“What can I say? I had SeaWorld all wrong—I had myself convinced they were some sort of exploitative company that abused animals in the pursuit of cheap thrills for tourists, but then I saw that orca make a big wave by slapping the water with his fin and I was like, ‘Hold the phone, I need to see that again,’” environmental reporter Craig Edmonds said while imitating the whale’s motion with his arms.
Fitting last week’s theme of climate change, The Onion reports this story:
Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down
Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down.
Radio News:
Scientific Journal Releases List Of Year’s Top 100 Compounds
Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn
After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters Wednesday he had grown too overweight to swim upstream and reproduce.
Drought Bad; Water Good
Sources nationwide are confirming this week that the current drought is bad and that water is very good …
Pool-Safety Tips
Here’s a sampling:
— Your body is 70 percent water, so don’t worry: Even if you were to drown, only 30 percent of you would die.
— Remember, you can’t leave young children unsupervised around the pool, the way you do in the house.
— Don’t swim in the end of the pool where unscrupulous Japanese commercial whalers are using gill nets and explosive harpoons.
NHL Finishes Freezing Water For 2011 Season
… A shortage of frozen water on hockey rinks in the beginnings of previous seasons meant that players were forced to adapt to less than ideal conditions, skating on whatever frozen water was available and then trudging clumsily over the exposed dirt or wooden floors….
“We also now completely understand—and agree—that all parts of the rink have to be covered with ice,” Bettman added. “Even the parts behind the nets.”
Old-Fashioned No-Water Practice Gets High School Diving Coach Fired
Perkins County High School diving coach Tony Spencer was fired Friday for what he called an “old-fashioned no-water practice,” a drill that left three swimmers dead and several others in intensive care.
“If you can dive into a pool with no water, imagine what you can do with a pool that has water,” the 72-year-old Spencer said as he was led to a police car…
Rain Told To Go Away In 1986 Returns
A rainstorm that in August 1986 was told to “go away” and advised to come again another day returned Monday, soaking the downtown Adair area for much of the afternoon.
A non-water video you may find amusing:
