Amusing Monday: A few Navy, Coast Guard jokes

I thought it would be great to pass along some water-related jokes linked to the Navy or Coast Guard. In searching the Internet, I found a few good ones, some clean and some dirty. It seems that most of the good jokes have simply been revised and recycled again and again through the years. There are plenty of bad jokes I would just as well forget.

Here are my favorites that seem suitable for general audiences. If you have heard a good joke about the military that you can share in good conscience, please feel free to write it down in the comments section below. If you know the source or remember where you first heard the joke, please mention that as well.

The boat was off course

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn’t have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, “Please give your location.”

“I’m on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.”

The officer paused, “Could you repeat that?”

“I-75, two miles south of Standish.”

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, “How fast were you going when you hit shore?”

— About.Com

Living in hypotheticals

An ensign was sitting his first qualification board for officer of the deck at sea. After several hours of watching the young officer answer difficult questions from the members of the board, the ship’s captain decided to finish off the board by placing the ensign in a completely hypothetical emergency situation.

“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard side?” he asked.

“Throw out an anchor, sir,” the ensign replied.

“And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”

“I’d throw out another anchor, captain.”

“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” asked the captain.

“Throw out another anchor, sir,” the ensign said.

“Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?”

The ensign smiled. “From the same place you’re getting all those storms, sir.”

— Jeff Edwards, Navy Jokes

Who’s in charge here?

Transcript of a radio conversation between a U.S. Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the captain of a U.S.Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”

Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert your course.”

Americans: “This is the aircraft carrier U.S. Abraham Lincoln, the second-largest ship in the U.S. Atlantic fleet… I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north … or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.”

Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

Versions of this joke have been floating around for years and are often cited as a true story, but Snopes reports that it is fiction.

How about some change?

Officer: “Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?”

Sailor: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?”

Sailor: “No, SIR!”

— USS Walton

Knowing up from down

A new ensign was assigned to submarines, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the chief of the boat with his expertise learned in sub school at Groton.

The master chief cut him off quickly and said, “Listen, ‘sir;’ it’s real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn’t come out even, don’t open the hatch.”

— Military.Com Forums

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