Tag Archives: Jokes

Amusing Monday: Jokes to tease people with special knowledge

They call them “intellectual” jokes, because you must have special knowledge about science, literature, language, art, religion, philosophy or some other field for the jokes to make any sense.

You can find these jokes scattered across the Internet. At first, they may leave you annoyed, especially when you can’t figure them out and the author has not bothered to explain them.

On the other hand, they can be an opportunity to learn something new. Wikipedia can be a great place to jump into any of these inside jokes and add to your overall knowledge. And if you understand these jokes without any help, you may feel just a little smarter than the average joe.

I’ll share 10 of my favorite intellectual jokes with you. Please let me know what you think — either in the comment section below or to my email. Your comments will help me decide whether I should ever offer this brand of humor again.

Water

I’ve put what I hope are reasonable explanations for each joke at the bottom of this post, in case you can’t figure them out.

1. Two men walk into a bar. The first orders H2O. The second says, “I’ll have H2O, too!” The second man dies.

2. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartended asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”
The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
The third logician says, “Yes!”

Tree

Pumpkin

3. Q: Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

4. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

5. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.

Beer

6. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer; the second orders half a beer; the third orders a quarter of a beer; and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”

7. Pavlov is sitting at a bar when the phone rings. “Oh, no,” he said. “I forgot to feed the dog.”

8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew where I was.”

Speed

9 . Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton stands in front of Einstein and draws a square on the ground, one meter on each side. Newton then steps into the middle of the square. Einstein reaches 10 and uncovers his eyes. He spots Newton and exclaims, “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says, “You didn’t find me; you found Pascal!”

10. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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Amusing Monday: Salmon can make a lot of scents

This year’s chum salmon run is nearly over, and a fair number of fish have made it back to spawn and die in our local streams. As occurs each year, the odor is a dead giveaway.

In honor of those salmon who gave their lives so that other creatures could live, and with recognition to the people who endure the stench of decaying fish, I’ve rounded up eight silly jokes about smelly things, one about a dead fish and two about fishing.

1. Yo’ Mama is so stanky, she used Odor-Eaters and completely disappeared.
Source

2. Q: Why did Sally bring her skunk to school? A: For show-and-smell!
Source

3. Your nose runs and your feet smell. You must be upside down.
Source

4. You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.
Source

5. True story from Reader’s Digest: While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. “If you smell gas,” I said, “it’s me.” — Joseph Bozulich

6. Antijoke. Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.
Source

7. A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, Love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Source

8. It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds; you were wrong on that last first down; and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here?”
Source

9. Little Tim was in the backyard filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing. He politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The concerned neighbor said, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
Source

10. “I caught a twenty pound salmon last week.”
“Were there any witnesses?”
“There sure were. If there hadn’t been, it would have been forty pounds.”
Source

11. Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?” Asked the salesman.
“So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them,” said Alex.
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That’s what she’d like for supper tonight,” replied the fishmonger with a grin.
Source

Amusing Monday: Joking about the environment

After poking fun at business and technology for years, “cyber-satirist” Bob Hirschfeld takes aim at the environmental movement. Although he supports the “green lifestyle,” he is able to point out humor that results from the bureaucracy and everyday chores involved in trying to save the environment.

That’s not as easy as you might think.

The 10-minute video at right presents excerpts recorded during a Hirschfeld presentation before a business group. I usually don’t offer videos of this length in “Amusing Monday,” but I found his humor to be rather engaging.

(Skip over the first minute of testimonials if you want to get into his standup routine.)

Water-related jokes from the video:
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