Because folks seemed to enjoy the made-up captions for the Department of Defense photos a few weeks ago, I’ve decided to offer something similar this week.

“Yes” magazine provides a feature in which readers are asked to make up captions for cartoon drawings. With permission, I’ve included three on this page. Others can be found on the magazine’s cartoon page. If you’d like to try your hand at captions, click here for the latest cartoon.

“Yes” magazine, based on Bainbridge Island, tackles national and international issues in a rare, sophisticated way. The magazine also offers tips for consumers and a variety of other features. Most stories appear online not long after they appear in print, but I would rather sit back with the printed version.

I wasn’t aware until this weekend that ‘Yes” also updates stories at times, as proven by its discussion of the climate change bill that passed the House Friday.

Cartoon 1

“No! Wait for the euro, boys.” — Alane Cameron Miles

“These humans are stupid if they think we’re going to fall for the fallacy of consumerism!” — Carrie Bail & Darius Jonathan

“See, class. This is what humans think is real wealth.” — Laurence Smith

“Hey Bob, who do they think we are, suckers?” — Anonymous

“Boy, those phishing schemes are getting desperate!” — Mason Dearness

“What are they thinking up there? Now a twenty, that might get them somewhere. But with this economy? No one’s risking anything for a five!” — Anonymous

Cartoon 2

“Let’s ‘flip’ for it. Heads or tails?” — Erik Petterson

“I’M the early bird!” “No, I AM!” — Rebecca Tibbits

“Trust me, I’ll give it back.” — Gary Nelson

“With this worm, I thee wed.” — Anonymous

“I don’t think this bail out worm is big enough for both of us!” — Dana Allen

“And you said nothing would ever come between us…” — Heather Mariano

“Your half is bigger than my half!” — Mary Regan

Cartoon 3

So many ways to sink or swim. — Henning Drager

“I’m telling you. There’s no point in asking for directions. It’s always ‘clockwise’ or ‘counterclockwise.’” — Annie Ominous

I think we’re gonna need a bigger bowl! — Delphia F. Comstock

“Two roads diverged, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” — Terrence Zander

“Did you see which way the cat went?” — Linda Hutchinson

“When the rising waters reach that bottom arrow we’re out of this bowl, free to swim in any direction we want.” — Doug Brown

Oh where, oh where has the clean water gone, oh were, oh where has it gone…??? — Don Newman

More captions for this cartoon
(more…)

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This week, I decided to search for a few amusing things related to seals and sea lions.

I was able to find videos, photos, games, ringtones and more. I may have gotten a bit carried away, but seals are popular in many forms.

First, the video. As they say, it takes only one guy to spoil the party.

How about a ringtone? Click here to sample of the sound.

A childish joke:

A mom buys her son a box of animal crackers.

The boy dumps them out on the table and starts looking at each of the animal crackers, one by one.

“What are you doing?” the mom asks.

“The label says not to eat this product if the seal is broken,” the boy replies, “so I’m trying to find the seal.”

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The seal shown here seems quite amused, but I’m afraid that nobody else gets the joke.

Click here for a series of seal photos.

Click here to find some amusing animal photos, including one with two seals trying to socialize.

Here are a bunch of cartoons on the topic of the day.

Would you like to know how to draw a cartoon sea lion? Check out this video.

I’m sure PETA will frown on this online game, which involves a seal-tossing contest, but I found myself trying it again and again.

Maybe PETA will like this one better. It’s a song protesting the annual hunt of harp seals in the Canadian Arctic.

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I was amused last week when PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) expressed concern that dead fish were not getting the respect they deserve. (See Water Ways, June 10.) I believe respect is a two-way street, and I’ve never seen a fish go out of its way to help anyone.

Bill Dance, 68, known as “professional bass fishing’s first superstar” (PDF 578 kb), was awarded more than 23 national bass-fishing titles before retiring at age 39. Since then, he has produced more than 2,000 television programs that show people how to catch fish.

Mr. Dance deserves some respect for his accomplishments. But if fish could watch a computer monitor, I think they would find some level of satisfaction in these videos. One video can be found in the player on this page. I’ve picked out the best of the rest and provided links below. (You may find it easier if you open these links in a new window.)

The art of unloading a boat from a trailer

Unloading is easier when you have a small boat

Bill Dance demonstrates the sensitivity of his new fishing rod

Working multiple rods takes special skill

The garden is a great place to dig for worms

How much did the fish pay their body guard?

A little more revenge?

Trolling, trolling, trolling on the river

And then you stop

The key is getting the right camera angle

Sometimes a low camera angle is best

But high angles also have their place

Didn’t your grandfather warn you about leaving a rod unattended?

Why was he wearing socks without shoes?

The growing argument for barbless hooks

A boat alone can do no harm

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About.Com — the Web site about virtually everything — has restarted the “Military Photo of the Week” feature.

The idea is that readers submit funny captions for standard Department of Defense pictures, often involving some field activity captured by a military photographer.

Rod Powers, a retired Air Force first sergeant who guides military discussions on the Web site, includes the weekly photo on his blog and invites readers to submit comments. In the previous format, someone judged the top three captions of the week, which I thought worked better, but I understand that it was more time consuming.

About.Com has kept up the old archive of military photos and captions, many of which are quite amusing. Here’s a sample of water-related photos from the archive with the top-rated captions. You may click on the CAPTION # to see some of the other captions submitted.

CAPTION 23

“Mom said to come in NOW!” (David)

“Uh sir…enemy bombers in range!!” (Weasel)

“Oh $#!^, we hooked you up backwards on the CAT. Do some of that fancy pilot stuff and see if you can get pointed in the right direction.” (PaulFalk)

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CAPTION 62

The men knew that the Admiral was getting lazy when he conducted the first drive by open ranks inspection. (Jonathan Elder R)

“Hiding behind our backs? What? No! We’re not hiding anything behind our backs.” (Xie)

Damn Naval drag races… (Sgt. Yell2Much)

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CAPTION 36

The Environmentalists received this picture as an explanation for why so many ships were hitting whales. (XGEP)

“Okay Sir, do you see this little sinking boat? Yeah, that’s you.” (Coelho)

“Just 15 more years in the NFL and I could have bought one of these…15 more years….” (Devil Dogg)

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CAPTION 12

“Obi Wan? I haven’t heard that name in years.” (Veuxdeux)

“Hey soldier, Pull my thumb.” (PaulFalk)

Achmed’s “Popeye” impression was the last straw. The Navy silenced him with the 16 inch guns. (P3C-AT)

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I would like to confess something here: I am more afraid of the oceans growing more acidic than any of the other consequences of climate change — including drought, floods, reduced snow pack, sea level rise, arctic ice disappearing…

I’m not sure why ocean acidification scares me, but it probably has to do with the fact that I am not very grounded in the science. I need to learn more about the chemistry of the oceans and what concentrations of acidic compounds cause severe problems.

I remember learning, during my school days in chemistry lab, how strong acids can dissolve almost anything but glass. I still can hear the hissing sound and and see vapors rising during acid-base reactions. On an emotional level, I don’t want to be swimming around in acid, and I don’t want our friends, the sea creatures, to be doing so, either.

If you want to produce a scary movie, forget about violent encounters with giant squid and surprise attacks by a great white shark. Here’s how I would write the movie trailer:

Scene: The dark surface of the wayward sea.
Cue the ominous music, then the announcer: “Sea life cannot survive without water, yet something strange is lurking beneath the waves. Do you dare touch the water, knowing that the water itself can bring death? What can anyone do against this growing menace we call ACID?”

Water should be neutral, a pH of 7.0. OK, I know this doesn’t happen in real life, but I don’t want the oceans’ acid levels to stray too far off that mark.

Seriously, notable scientists are telling us that ocean acidification may be starting to affect the entire food web, because of its effects on certain plankton and all sorts of shelled critters. If what they say is true, ocean acidification really is quite scary.

A couple of weeks ago, I reported that the Center for Biological Diversity is suing the federal government to protect the oceans under the Clean Water Act. (See Water Ways, May 15.) Washington was chosen as the test case, because upwelling of ocean water makes the West Coast especially vulnerable to acidification. We’ll see how this lawsuit works out in court, since the data remain a bit sketchy.

Yesterday, at least 70 “Academy of Sciences” groups from throughout the world warned that ocean acidification is not getting enough attention and should get more of a focus in international discussions — including a December meeting in Copenhagen. (Check out the InterAcademy Panel’s announcement about ocean acidification.)

Chen Zhu, minister of health in the People’s Republic of China, and Howard Alper, chairman and president of Science, Technology and Innovation Council, Canada, are serving as co-chairs of the InterAcademy Panel on International Issues. They said in a statement:

“There has been much talk among the science community over the past few years about ocean acidification and its potentially catastrophic consequences, but it has failed to receive the political attention it demands. Its absence from discussions to-date is of immense concern, and we call for its immediate inclusion as a vital part of the climate change agenda.”

At the same time, a new study by Sarah Cooley and Scott Doney of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution reported that ocean acidification and its effects on marine organisms will have direct and indirect effects on the U.S. economy and its $3.8 billion in annual commercial harvests. The report was published in the journal “Environmental Research Letters” (PDF 381 kb).

Publications covering this story include:
The Guardian, The New York Times — Greenwire, and The Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald.

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With such great weather lately, lots of us are having fun on the water. I looked for a funny video that would show the excitement of water sports.

Many of the online videos claim to be funny, but they often show what appears to be people getting injured. Even though they are amusing, I cringe when I watch them. Not exactly what I want to put on Water Ways.

Video producers for O’Brien Watersports, however, had the right idea. They created a best-wipeouts video that shows people laughing about the close calls they are having on the water. It was part of the annual demonstrations of new and old O’Brien ski tubes, and it comes with a warning: Don’t try this yourself!

I’ve included a second, older video that I like for the most part. It’s grainy and sort of thrown together, but I like the action. Unfortunately, somebody added some terrible music, so I advise you to press your mute button if you feel the same way. (I’m not sure, but it may have originated on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Maybe we should blame them for the music.)

Water vs. People - The most popular videos are a click away

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When I was a kid, I remember reading “Ripley’s Believe it or Not.” I mostly recall these funny little cartoons and unusual stories that often were truly hard believe.

Yesterday on National Public Radio’s “Weekend Edition,” host Liane Hansen interviewed Edward Meyer, vice president of exhibits and archives for Ripley Entertainment. She was commemorating the 60th anniversary of Robert Ripley’s death. Link to her report on NPR’s Web site.

Digging a little deeper, I learned that Ripley’s still has museums throughout the world. The organization’s Web site includes audio “oddcasts” as well as video, cartoons and photographs. I’m sorry to say that the site does not appear to be kept up to date, but there’s plenty of dated stuff to keep most people amused for a time.

I’ve listed some of the water-related oddities I found on the Web site. The related links will take you to a gallery page where you can find photographs.

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A fiberglass kiosk, reached only by scuba divers, claims to be the world’s only underwater post office. Located near Vanuatu, 1,400 miles from Sydney, Australia, the post office sells waterproof postcards. The post office is open only one or two hours a day.
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An artist in China sucks water up his nose and squirts it out his tear ducts to write messages on paper — a new artform.
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The Spree River in Germany is too polluted for swimming, so people come down to a public pool — a barge filled with water and floating on the river.
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A Malaysian woman caught a baby shark but threw it back when she discovered it had legs with feet. According to Chinese belief, it is bad luck to eat fish with unusual features. She did take a picture of the strange creature.
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Snow has been observed on Mars, although it melted before it hit the ground.
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A penguin named Nils Olav in the Edinburgh Zoo has been knighted after moving up in ranks to Colonel-in-Chief. The king penguin has been an honorary member of the Norwegian Army since 1970.
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A bunch of catfish were seen “walking” down a street in Pinellas Park, Fla., after heavy rains filled the storm sewers and the fish emerged from storm drains.
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Japanese scientists have created a breed of transparent frogs. The organs can be observed from the outside, which eliminates the need for dissection as researchers study how organs develop and are affected by cancers and other diseases.
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A pink dolphin has been sighted in Lake Calcasieu, an inland saltwater estuary north of the Gulf of Mexico. It was an albino and very pink, as the photograph shows.

A group of Amazon River dolphins, also called botos or buffeos but commonly called pink dolphins, are related to the more familiar marine dolphins but are able to turn their necks to the sides. By the way, Dave and Dottie Bonnett of Silverdale traveled to South America to study the animals. Bill Grimes traveled with them and posted a report of their travels on the “Living in Peru” Web site.

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I’m always looking for something different for this space on Monday. I don’t know whether a jigsaw puzzle fits everyone’s definition of amusing, but I thought I’d throw out this idea for a change.

Jigsaw puzzles are great for when you want to relax and not think about much of anything but finding pieces with similar colors. We all need to relax once in awhile, right?

I found a Web site called JigZone that allows you to pick your picture, decide how it should be cut into pieces and choose the number of pieces that should be created.

Click on the picture to the right and you’ll see the pieces scrambled. Choices for putting the picture back together are at the left of the puzzle.

Whether you like jigsaw puzzles or not, you have to admit that the variety here is incredible. Go to “more puzzles” and dig down to see all the pictures available. Cut the pictures into many, many shapes. If you think you know your states, choose a monotone picture and select “United States” to see if you can put the states where they belong

The puzzle site also allows you to measure how long it takes to complete a puzzle.

This site even integrates with Facebook, so you can cut your posted photos or someone else’s into dozens of pieces and put them back together again.

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A team of three sailors aboard a specially equipped yacht left England with the goal of raising awareness about climate change and making a statement about their “carbon footprint.” About 40 schools across the UK were following the adventure.

As the story turned out, I’m not so sure what kind of statement they made.

According to the BBC, the three left Plymouth, England, on April 19. Their plan was to use only the sails of their boat, along with solar power and even human power if necessary.

But they ran into 68 mile-per-hour winds and heavy waves that tore apart their sails. The winds ripped away the solar panels. Water spilled into the boat, which temporarily capsized three times. And one sailor fell and hit his head.

They decided to radio for help. Adding insult to injury, their rescuers arrived in a giant oil tanker, the Overseas Yellowstone, carrying 680,000 barrels of crude.

The eco-sailors seemed to recognize the irony of their rescue, but they were too relieved to express any feelings of humiliation.

In addition to the BBC, check out Robert Booth’s story in The Guardian for more details.

Thanks to Brian Lewis for calling this story to my attention. I suspect that the irony won’t be lost on bloggers throughout the world.

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To an optimist, the glass of water is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. It’s all a matter of perspective.

I’ve located some other perspectives on the Web.

The ENGINEER would say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, “What did your mother say about the glass?”

The REPAIR TECHNICIAN would drink the water and use the glass for parts.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn’t have enough ice in it.

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

Here’s one of my own:
The REPORTER would ask, why is this glass here?

And here’s one from comedian Paul Provenza, which you may view on a video of his performance in Las Vegas:

“I look at the world in a realistic way. Some people say the glass is half full; other people say the glass is half empty. I look at the glass and say, ‘You know, if you fell on that it would shatter, and a shard of glass would cut your jugular, and you’d drown to death in a pool of your own gurgling blood.’”

Jokes.com
Paul Provenza - Vegas Is a Family Town
dians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

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