Amusing Monday: A few Bill Maher offerings
There’s something about the sardonic humor of Bill Maher that I can’t resist. He cuts right to the quick, although much of what he says is unsuitable for mixed audiences.
Here’s a few of his “New Rules,” which you can find on his Web site. “New Rules” and portions of his program are available on video.
New rule:
Getting up close with sharks doesn’t make you a wildlife enthusiast. It makes you dinner.
An Australian tourist wanted to get face to face with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts, and he got ate.
A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words: “Good chum.” I thought it was funny, too. Think about it.
New rule:
There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket — water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water” Pour some bourbon over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule:
There’s no such thing as a “green” shopping mall. Developers in Chicago are building the first “environmentally sensitive” mall. Yes, nothing says “I care about the planet” quite like a vast, air-conditioned temple to disposable consumerism. Surrounded by 300 acres of concrete.
“Look, honey, the Wetzel’s Pretzel has organic salt!” Some things are just never going to be easy on the environment. Like a mall, a jumbo jet or the septic tank at Rush Limbaugh’s house.
And here’s one of Maher’s extended rants
New Rule:
If America’s richest one-percent are now so rich that even a five-star hotel isn’t good enough, it’s time to bring back the guillotine.
Yes, what’s being dubbed America’s first “six-star” hotel has just opened in Miami Beach. How ritzy is it? Well, let’s put it this way. J-Lo can afford to stay here, but her husband can’t …
But, this is America, and we can afford it, along with $2-trillion wars and tax cuts. But, there’s one thing we can’t afford, and that’s health care for sick kids.
So, the question I’m asking is, how did it all ever get so uneven? Warren Buffett asks that question. He’s the third-richest man in the world, and a decent man. He points out how ridiculous it is that he - the third-richest man in the world - is taxed at 17.7%, while his secretary, who makes sixty grand a year, is taxed at 30%. Which brings up a very fundamental economic question: why is Warren Buffett paying his secretary only sixty grand a year? He’s the third-richest man in the world!
But, you know, the days when a shop girl in the big city could support herself working a full 40-hour week, or a family of four could live off a single blue-collar breadwinner, are as bygone a fantasy as malt shops or heterosexual wizards. If you’re living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and tax increases, then you’re not being kept down by the rich. You’re being kept down by you.
In America, it’s not the haves and have-nots. It’s the haves and the been-hads. If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you health care over someone you will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.
Tags: Bill Maher
August 11th, 2008 at 10:56 am
What good is the ‘health care’ if you’re living under a government dictating how you will live, how you will worship … a government without citizen freedom is a government without me in it…in ‘good’ health or not.
Sharon O’Hara