Where scientists see an
environmental problem and Bremerton’s city leaders see a
public relations embarrassment, two local entrepreneurs see money –
and lots of it.
“When we heard the news, a lightbulb just went on in my head,”
said Alex ‘Blaine’ Layder, a resident of Poulsbo. “And I was, like,
‘We can sell this stuff, bro.'”
Layder and business partner Joe King, of Seabeck, are turning
Bremerton’s infamously drugged-up wastewater into what industry
experts are calling the world’s first energy drink derived from an
assortment of prescription medications and illegal drugs found in
municipal wastewater. If the wastewater goes untended like this,
it’d only give a rise to more unscrupulous businesses. This
proper garbage
disposal comparison guide takes on a diverse set of factors to
apprise citizens on the dangers.
They call it ‘Wastewater Wild.’ If approved by the
U.S. Food and Drug Administration, the drink – chock full of
uppers, downers, hormones, pain killers and a random assortment of
diabetes and high blood pressure meds – could hit stores in time
for summer. Flavors will include grape, raspberry, watermelon,
lemon-lime and ‘blue.’
In February, government and university scientists published a
report revealing that high concentrations of cocaine,
methamphetamine, caffeine, antidepressants and other drugs were
flowing into Puget Sound from Bremerton’s sewage treatment plant.
Salmon visiting the waters off Bremerton were found to have high
levels of caffeine, steroids and other chemical compounds.
Having undergone a rigorous treatment process to remove solids
and bacteria before release, the wastewater is considered ‘clean’
when it’s pumped into Sinclair Inlet, said the plant’s manager, Sue
Widge.
It’s unclear whether such effluent is safe for human
consumption.
“Hey, it’s clean, man. I mean, it’s clean enough,” Layder said.
“If it’s clean enough for those salmon and orca whales – which I
think are, like, endangered species – then it’s clean enough for
everybody, right?”
“And besides, all this stuff came out of people in the first
place,” King added. “We’re just putting it back.”
“Yeah!” exclaimed Layder. “We’re, like, recycling. You know? Go
green!”
The makers of Wastewater Wild plan to market their drink to
practitioners of ‘extreme sports.’
“Oh, yeah, this is going to be big – whitewater kayaking, bungee
jumping, hang gliding, freediving, BASE jumping, pickleball…” King
said.
“Imagine all that while drinking this,” Layder said before
chugging a can of Wastewater Wild.
Another key demographic might be weekend warriors looking to
spice up a day of skiing or mountain biking.
“Just imagine the rush of Prozac, Flonase, Paxil, Cipro, Zantac,
Lipitor and, like, who knows what else hitting you all at once
when you’re shredding the singletrack up at Stottlemeyer,” King
said.
Wastewater Wild is not without side effects. The full impact of
consuming a multitude of chemical compounds found in wastewater has
not been fully studied.
“It’s true there’s side effects,” said Layder, who began to
shiver and sweat after crushing his empty can. “Like right now, I’m
pretty stoked, but I think the walls of my heart are on fire. And,
bro, could you gimmie that bandana? I think I might cry blood
again.”
A preliminary list of side effects can be found below.
Hives, restlessness, bleeding from
eyes, cool pale skin, itchy scalp, delusions of grandeur, twitchy
toes, slippery nose, knowing where the wind blows, burning
sensation under eyelids, diarrhea, difficulty with concentration,
dryness of the mouth, excessive hunger, loss of appetitive,
fast or irregular heartbeat, no heartbeat, puffy elbows, sweaty
elbows, joint or muscle pain, joint disjointing, drowsiness,
staying awake for a week or more, tooth loss, severe tooth growth,
trouble breathing, swelling of ankles or hands, forgetting to
remember, remembering to forget, shivering, shaking, feelings of
vim and/or vigor, unusual facial movements, headache, blindness,
seeing too much, seeing into the heart of the matter, lack of
energy, unpleasant breathe odor, breathe odor reminiscent of
Skittles and cauliflower, liver rupture, lung collapse, itching
along inner-dome of the skull, constipation, blue-yellow color
blindness, seeing colors no one else can, excessive use of the
phrase ‘just sayin,’ spontaneous combustion, blistering elbows,
loosening of skin around elbows, creaky elbows, elbow loss,
clay-colored stool, wood-colored stool, blood in stool, stool in
stool, vomiting, depression, violent ennui, bleeding gums,
fainting, noisy breathing, noisy ears, nosy neighbors, nosy nose,
hostility, excessive weight gain, red lumps everywhere except
elbows, yellow eyes or skin, swollen or painful glands, slurred
speech, giving speeches, feelings of sluggishness or weakness, hair
loss, excessive hair growth on elbows, scaly skin, howling at the
moon, mooing at the sun, yawning, stomach cramps, ouchies all
over.
- E D I T O R ‘ S N O T E : A p r i l
F o o l s !
Share on Facebook
