Commercials We Love to Hate
March 7th, 2009 by Chris HenryWarning: constant() [function.constant]: Couldn't find constant TT_TH8US_LEN in /home/psblogs/public_html/wp-content/plugins/tweet-this/tweet-this.php on line 1821
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Madison Avenue it’s not. Commercials advertising local and
regional businesses are typically made on low budgets without
professional actors, and all too often it shows (see videos below).
We complain bitterly about them, but we can’t look away.
The rules for making commercials so bad they’re good are as
follows:
* Even if you have the money for a professional studio filming,
make it look low-budget. Maybe people will feel sorry for you and
buy your product.
* Use animals, live if possible, extra points if the animal
misbehaves.
* If you don’t have live animals, wear an animal costume.
Crustaceans kick booty.
* If you don’t have an animal costume, wear any costume, preferably
one that looks like you got it off the Value Village Halloween
markdown rack.
* Hire the best annoying jingle writer in the business.
* Use children and other family members sparingly for a huge
annoyance factor.
* Be eager to make a fool of yourself.
* When all else fails, DON’T BE AFRAID TO SHOUT.
Here, in no particular order, are some classic examples of past
and present ads from Kitsap and the Puget Sound Region.
Besides those that are just plain cheesy, there are some from the
1980s and early 1990s — Seattle’s golden age of television
commercials — that are wonderfully absurd.
Just for kicks I threw in a few that are not local but awful enough
to be worthy of mention. Vermont Teddy Bear … need I say more?
Tell me your favorite, and tell me about those I missed.
Kitsap County
Mattress Ranch: “Save More Bucks at the Mattress Ranch”
Ted Sadtler was just a 6-foot-eight furniture salesman until he
took on the personna of a country yokel and surrounded himself with
barnyard animals to sell discount mattresses for the Mattress
Ranch. His wiggly little jig and off-tempo lip-sync are either
horrifyingly humorous or humorously horrifying. Take your pick.
(I’ve got a profile of Sadtler coming in Sunday’s Kitsap Sun)
Truck Town: “Shouldn’t you come around to to Truck Town?”
“Killer” the Truck Town mascot keeps this hyper-local series of ads
lively and engaging, but should a dachshund really get behind the
wheel of a four-by-four? You wonder how his little leggies will
reach the brake.
Abbey Carpet: “You’ll love Abbey Carpet … and Floors.”
The Abbey Carpet girls must have grown up. We now seldom hear their
insipid jingle, albeit in perfect harmony.
Casey’s Bail Bonds
If you get arrested, you want this little girl in your corner.
Apparently the owner’s daughter? She’s a far cry from the Abbey
Carpet girls. She’s got a cell phone in her hand, and she’s gonna
tell you who to call. Don’t even think about doing anything
else.
Puget Sound Region
Cal Worthington: “Go See Cal, Go See Cal, Go See Cal”
The master of cheesy ads, West Coast auto sales magnet Cal
Worthington has since sold his dealership in Federal Way but is
still selling cars in California and Alaska. During the 1980s,
Puget Sound residents were inundated with Cal in his cowboy hat
doing outrageous stunts. The ads typically featured Cal with “my
dog Spot,” except Spot wasn’t a dog, but a tiger, seal, chimpanzee
or other animal.
Vern Fonk Insurance: “Honk When You Drive by Vern Fonk”
Patently offensive in so many ways, Fonk a Seattle-area auto
insurance salesman defends the rights of people who have made
really bad choices to remain on the road. DUI, reckless driving
citation, no problemo!
Jack Roberts Appliance: “We will not be undersold!”
The late Jack Roberts used sledge hammers, chainsaws, a loud voice
and really bad hair to get his point across. Roberts died in 2002
of prostate cancer. The showroom hasn’t been the same.
Ivar’s Dancing Clams
Dancing bivalves, what could be funnier? Ivar’s Acres of Clams
kicked it up a notch with their clam people featured in movie
parodies including “Dances with Clams” and “Chariots of Clams.”
Sea Galley: “We’ve Got Crab Legs”
Another 1980s Northwest classic focused on seafood, this series of
ads featured three guys dancing exuberantly while wearing crab leg
costumes. They could kick pretty high, too.
Rainier Beer
Remember the motorcycle revving down a country road,
“Raaaai-nieeeer Beeeeer!” And the “Wild Rainier” series featuring a
beer bottle with legs, frolicking through the Northwest
wilderness.
Seattle Mariners
Definitely not low-budget, since they have featured guys like Jay
Buhner, Bret Boone and Ken Griffey Jr., the annual Mariner’s ads
have become a much-anticipated part of each baseball season.
Classics include the Ichiro “Epidemic” in which ordinary Seattlites
insert his trademark sleeve-hitch into their own jobs and the one
where Edgar Martinez makes the lights at Safeco Field Clap on, Clap
Off.
Not Local But Awful Enough to Be Worthy of
Mention
Vermont Teddy Bear
Bremerton reporter Steve Gardner turned me on to this one. I
thought, “What could be bad about a cute little teddy bear?” Turns
out, everything.
freecreditreport.com
This video was the best of a batch that, as with any sequel, went
steadily downhill. My favorite part is the little old lady in the
big bib chowing down on lobster while the poor schmuck sings about
his loser job.
Sham Wow
The guy in this commercial is obviously the misfit spawn of Jerry
Lewis, a strong argument against cloning.
Tags: tv ads we love to hate
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Scripps Interactive Newspapers Group
March 7th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Thanks for the memories, Chris. I don’t drink beer, but the Rainier commercials were memorized just like the School House Rock songs.
Regards,
Kathryn Simpson
March 8th, 2009 at 12:05 am
The Rainier beer commercials featuring the late, great \Bill the Beer Man\ were classics, Don’t forget about Jack Roberts Applience, Glen Grant Chevrolet, and KJR-AM’s \Sunshine Sherry\ with the old KJR channel 95 sunshine stickers.
March 8th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Yes, the Rainier ads were classics. I remember back in the mid 70′s when I went with my dad to the Jennings Corporation to return an empty keg. At that time they were on the corner of Bruenn Ave. and 1st St. I was walking through the warehouse and saw a shelf loaded with Rainier posters. A guy who worked there saw me looking at them and said I could have some. I chose one of each. 15 in all, and I still have them to this day. All of them are still neatly rolled up like the day I got them. I wouldn’t part with them for anything.
I also remember the Dick Balch Chevrolet ads on TV. The man would take a sledgehammer to a brand new vehicle at the end of every commercial. Anyone else remember him?
Oh, and a clarification on the Vern Fonk ads. People often confuse the bald guy in the ads as being Vern Fonk. The real Vern Fonk, founder of Vern Fonk insurance, passed away on May 22nd 2006 of a blood infection. He was 75. The man in the ads is the manager of their Everett office, and his name is Rob Thielke. He writes and stars in the commercials.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane!!
March 9th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I remember those great Dick Balsch ads, too. He’d bash one of his cars with a sledge hammer on camera, and then say “If you can’t trust your car dealer, who can you trust?”, and follow that with a maniacal laugh. Apparently he had customers lining up to buy the bashed cars.
For a short while, Olympia Beer tried to go the Rainier Beer route with funny ads. They featured a series of commercials about the invisible “Artesians”. The best one featured the late Richard Farnsworth as the slightly nutty gardner at the brewery.
Then there were the Gai’s Bakery ads. “Slow bakers – quick drivers”.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
On a national level, there were the great Chung King chinese food ads. One print ad claimed that nine out of ten doctors recommended Chung King. Below were pictures of nine Chinese doctors giving the thuimbs up, and one caucasian doctor giving the thumbs down.
And who can forget the Sunsweet pitted prunes commercials? It had an upper-class British guy sitting in a chair, being offered a prune by the announcer. When asked why he didn’t eat prunes, the British guy said that he didn’t know how to gracefully get rid of the pit. So the announcer handed him a prune, saying it had already been pitted. The British guy ate the prune, commenting on how delicious it was, but then looked rather dubiously at another prune, saying “it’s still rather wrinkled, you know.” And the commercial faded out, over the slogan “Today the pits, tomorrow the wrinkles. Sunsweet marches on!”
March 9th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
You can do it at a trot…you can do it at a gallop…you can do it real slow so your heart don’t pal-ip-i-tate….Do the Puyallup….Do the Puyallup. The dancing, singing cows and pigs will get you everytime.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
People sure do remember the Vern Fonk commercials for auto insurance. What a genius marketer. I have found more of them
at http://www.autoinsuranceseattle.com to watch when you have time.
I think there are even more though. This site does have lots of the good ones that I have seen.