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“It’s a snow day!”
For the last four days, while holed up at home with my
husband, three charming children and my 9-year-old mutt, who I
think has a urinary tract infection based on the number of
accidents she’s had in the house, I was trying to think of
something funny to write about snow days.
Somehow the comedy of the situation escaped me. Oh, you too?
So let’s go with something John Laird wrote in the Columbian
over the weekend.
John Laird Dec 21: School snow days
Sunday, December 21
Several years ago, I arbitrarily decided that
the worst job in the world had to be processing lost-luggage
complaints at the airport, so I went looking for an interview. I
found a sweet, little old man in a tiny, cluttered cubicle next to
the baggage carousel, apparently trying to supplement his
retirement income, perhaps so his widow could pay for his
funeral.
Turns out he was 37 and trying to support a wife and three kids.
“Getting yelled at takes its toll,” he sighed.
The second-worst job belongs to the person who decides when
schools will close due to inclement weather. This job would be the
No. 1 worst job, except it pays six figures. Deciding for or
against snow days is a part-time task undertaken by school
superintendents. They clearly need some coaching. I am a seasoned,
skilled observer of public education, and as grand wizard of the
Hazel Dell School Complainers Coalition, I present these snow-day
tips for any school superintendent:
n On this particular subject, even the experts have no
expertise, so what makes you think you’re so smart?
I mean, we’re talking about weather. Weather! No one — not even
the blow-dried prima donna on TV — knows for sure what the weather
will be like in five hours. And heck, next to Al Sleet the
Hippy-Dippy Weatherman, you, the average school superintendent, are
a meteorological ignoramus.
n Whatever decision you make about snow days … it will be
wrong.
If you close schools, skies will clear and a Chinook wind will
blow in. Kids will swarm the skateboard park while parents hang you
in effigy and write letters to the editor calling you a blithering
idiot and demanding your resignation.
If you keep schools open, a 100-year blizzard will descend upon
your school district (and yours alone because other superintendents
were smarter and declared a snow day). One of your school buses,
packed with shivering kids, will skid and plunge over a cliff.
Columnists will interview your neighbors and sift through your
garbage.
n You obviously don’t understand the lofty skill levels of
drivers in your school district.
Remember, a large percentage of the motorists who are affected
by your asinine snow-day closures are high school students,
certainly among the best drivers in the world. Think about these
superb motorists, Hot Shot Supe, before you do something
stupid.
n Your timing — like the snowman — is abominable.
No matter when you make your big decision, it will either be far
too early in the wee, dark hours (and rendered absurd by changing
weather conditions) or far too late after dawn (creating havoc
among working parents).
n All the other superintendents are smarter than you.
Granted, your schools are better, but the parents in your
district wish they could move to the districts where the smart
superintendents make all the right snow-day decisions.
n Anecdotal evidence is more compelling than silly science.
You, Hot Shot Supe, hired a special weather consultant? You’ve
got a team of geniuses working on this 24/7 to help you decide? You
care about the kids’ safety, and you really pour your heart into
this decision? Big deal!
Betty Sue Balmy is smarter. She looks outside her kitchen
window, sees a clear driveway and knows with full certainty that
conditions throughout your half-a-county district are exactly like
what she sees in her front yard. And you dare to declare a
snow day?
Then there’s Bobby Ray Boondocks, the poor tree farmer who can’t
even get down the gravel road to his mailbox because of massive
snow banks. He figures it must be like that everywhere. How could
you not declare a snow day?
Despite contrasting weather conditions at their homes, Betty Sue
and Bobby Ray have two things in common: (1) They never attend
open-house events at their kids’ schools. (2) Both of them will
show up at the next school board meeting and tan your hide.
n Parenting woes are your fault.
Betty Sue’s brats are getting so antsy, they’re clawing the
drapes. It’s your fault for making them stay home.
n Actually, snow is your friend.
When it’s snowing, no one is talking about the WASL. They’re all
talking about the idiot superintendent.
Scripps Interactive Newspapers Group
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