
“It’s a snow day!”
For the last four days, while holed up at home with my husband, three charming children and my 9-year-old mutt, who I think has a urinary tract infection based on the number of accidents she’s had in the house, I was trying to think of something funny to write about snow days.
Somehow the comedy of the situation escaped me. Oh, you too?
So let’s go with something John Laird wrote in the Columbian over the weekend.
John Laird Dec 21: School snow days
Sunday, December 21
Several years ago, I arbitrarily decided that the worst job in the world had to be processing lost-luggage complaints at the airport, so I went looking for an interview. I found a sweet, little old man in a tiny, cluttered cubicle next to the baggage carousel, apparently trying to supplement his retirement income, perhaps so his widow could pay for his funeral.
Turns out he was 37 and trying to support a wife and three kids. “Getting yelled at takes its toll,” he sighed.
The second-worst job belongs to the person who decides when schools will close due to inclement weather. This job would be the No. 1 worst job, except it pays six figures. Deciding for or against snow days is a part-time task undertaken by school superintendents. They clearly need some coaching. I am a seasoned, skilled observer of public education, and as grand wizard of the Hazel Dell School Complainers Coalition, I present these snow-day tips for any school superintendent:
n On this particular subject, even the experts have no expertise, so what makes you think you’re so smart?
I mean, we’re talking about weather. Weather! No one — not even the blow-dried prima donna on TV — knows for sure what the weather will be like in five hours. And heck, next to Al Sleet the Hippy-Dippy Weatherman, you, the average school superintendent, are a meteorological ignoramus.
n Whatever decision you make about snow days … it will be wrong.
If you close schools, skies will clear and a Chinook wind will blow in. Kids will swarm the skateboard park while parents hang you in effigy and write letters to the editor calling you a blithering idiot and demanding your resignation.
If you keep schools open, a 100-year blizzard will descend upon your school district (and yours alone because other superintendents were smarter and declared a snow day). One of your school buses, packed with shivering kids, will skid and plunge over a cliff. Columnists will interview your neighbors and sift through your garbage.
n You obviously don’t understand the lofty skill levels of drivers in your school district.
Remember, a large percentage of the motorists who are affected by your asinine snow-day closures are high school students, certainly among the best drivers in the world. Think about these superb motorists, Hot Shot Supe, before you do something stupid.
n Your timing — like the snowman — is abominable.
No matter when you make your big decision, it will either be far too early in the wee, dark hours (and rendered absurd by changing weather conditions) or far too late after dawn (creating havoc among working parents).
n All the other superintendents are smarter than you.
Granted, your schools are better, but the parents in your district wish they could move to the districts where the smart superintendents make all the right snow-day decisions.
n Anecdotal evidence is more compelling than silly science.
You, Hot Shot Supe, hired a special weather consultant? You’ve got a team of geniuses working on this 24/7 to help you decide? You care about the kids’ safety, and you really pour your heart into this decision? Big deal!
Betty Sue Balmy is smarter. She looks outside her kitchen window, sees a clear driveway and knows with full certainty that conditions throughout your half-a-county district are exactly like what she sees in her front yard. And you dare to declare a snow day?
Then there’s Bobby Ray Boondocks, the poor tree farmer who can’t even get down the gravel road to his mailbox because of massive snow banks. He figures it must be like that everywhere. How could you not declare a snow day?
Despite contrasting weather conditions at their homes, Betty Sue and Bobby Ray have two things in common: (1) They never attend open-house events at their kids’ schools. (2) Both of them will show up at the next school board meeting and tan your hide.
n Parenting woes are your fault.
Betty Sue’s brats are getting so antsy, they’re clawing the drapes. It’s your fault for making them stay home.
n Actually, snow is your friend.
When it’s snowing, no one is talking about the WASL. They’re all talking about the idiot superintendent.
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