Bremerton Gets Boils

Dear Bremerton,

This is just a little note in case you’re feeling a little blue lately. You’re walking around with pride in chest and a comfortably fitting hat because you held your own in that smackdown with Seattle. All is well in B-Town, you think.

Then your hometown bank gets taken over by the feds and a bank from Port Orchard, your mayor and your high school principal quits and you’re losing police officers while those guys across the bay are talking about hiring more. And we’ve still got a lot of empty condos.

Let me start with a story I think you can relate to.

There was this guy. Job. (Pronounced Jobe, and it’s not the one from “Arrested Development,” but the one from the Bible.) According to the books written about him, he had it goin’ on, if you know what I’m saying.

OK, he lived in a place called Uz, but otherwise he had a pretty good gig.

He had a hot wife, amazing kids, tons of bank, a loyal posse of friends and a killer crib. Actually, I don’t know if his wife was hot or if it’s appropriate at all for me to speculate. But the guy had 10 kids. You decide.

Word was he was a righteous dude, but Satan didn’t buy it. God and the devil get into this conversation and decide to let Job get tested. First he loses his stuff and some of his kids.

Job shaves his head, which is something I can relate to, because I once shaved my chest hair after a girlfriend broke up with me. TMI. Sorry. Then he says something like “Easy come, easy go.”

So then he gets boils all over his body. Now I don’t know what a boil feels like, but I had an abscess that got me hospitalized for a couple days and off work for a week. I had the benefit of drugs to get me through it. Job’s boils were so bad his wife suggested he curse God and die.

Job’s friends came to see him and didn’t recognize him, then didn’t say anything for a whole week. When they do speak they tell him all this stuff is probably his fault.

Job complained a lot, but not about God. In the end Job eventually gets it all back and twice as much.

This could be your lot (not “Lot”) Bremerton. Sure things look tough now, but let’s just call this a Job moment on the way to the “twice as much” part. We’ve got a new downtown park opening this weekend and I had someone tell me it’s pretty kickin.’

And if we needed any other reasons to feel good about ourselves, there’s this display on Sixth Avenue:

shamwow

We’ll be fine, Bremerton. Keep your chin up. We’ll be making fun of Port Orchard again in no time.

Sincerely,

Steven Gardner

6 thoughts on “Bremerton Gets Boils

  1. The analogy breaks down at Job 1:1. Bremerton is not “blameless and upright” and can hardly be said to “fear God and shun evil”. Case in point, today’s news article about the guy busted with his pants down.

    Face it Bummertown, you have more to learn from the account of Sodom and Gomorrah than that of Job.

  2. Well, I could also point out that the analogy breaks down when we talk about Job having it “goin’ on.” That hardly described Bremerton, unless you’re going back to the 1970s. If that’s the case, then this period of boils is lasting a long time.

    That doesn’t change the fact that we’ll be making fun of Port Orchard again soon.

    Steven Gardner
    Kitsap Sun reporter and designated Bremerton defender

  3. “That doesn’t change the fact that we’ll be making fun of Port Orchard again soon.”

    Promises, promises…….

  4. The fact that you’re apparently from Bremerton and wrote this fairy tale drivel says nothing good about you or your town. Keep these delusions to yourself.

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