Sweatpants: A soft, coffee-stained white flag of surrender
It was cute when they named a couch after Bremerton.
But now they have sweatpants named after the city.
How do you like me now, Port Orchard?
Not just any kind of sweatpants. That’s not how we roll. No, these are “slimming” sweatpants. They are intended for women, but I’m sure a confident fellow with a gut to hide might be able to style the “light slate” color without reprimand from the boss or awkward conversations with the wife.
There is already a testimonial posted on the illusive powers of these pants to make a person look less overweight than they really are.
“These pants are the best I have ever worn,” wrote an enthusiastic Bremerton sweatpants wearer from Egg Harbor Township, N.J. “In fact, I bought the black pair and lighter color. They hide any bumps and bulges and make you look 15 lbs lighter.”
And, not to mention, now the Bremerton fit slimming sweatpant is
being peddled at a discounted rate. Perfect for the person who has
been downsized in the economic troubles of our time, yet wants to
upsize their waistband while watching Maury “You Are The Father”
Povich and eating dollar menu items from Wendy’s.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve watched Maury, eaten my share of double-stacks and I also own a pair of sweatpants. Mom gave them to me. But I try to show some respect for myself, and others, by not wearing them in public.
Nothing screams “I surrender!” like a pair of sweatpants. In the fight that is life, sweatpants are a soft, coffee-stained white flag.
Now that the good name of Bremerton is associated with, of all things, a sweatpant, I don’t know what to think. I guess I’ll have to take a long look at myself, and reevaluate what might be a shallow prejudice against this pant alternative.