360 Sports Blog

Andre Dawson is a Hall of Famer. Edgar Martinez is not, as he received only 36 percent of the Hall of Fame votes, well short of the 75% needed to enter the MLB Hall of Fame. Cue in the hysteria.

Note: Seattle Times reporter Geoff Baker openly advocated AGAINST Edgar going into the HoF, despite how Edgar performed during his faithful Mariners career. To vote against Edgar is one thing, but to openly lobby against a Seattle icon is another.

Dear Geoff,

Remember back in 1995, when Edgar’s .356 batting average helped save baseball in Seattle? Remember “The Double” (Which is unarguably the best moment in Mariner history)? Did you know that Edgar spent his entire career with the Mariners? That is 18 seasons! How about a little love for loyalty? You need to look at the intangibles of what Edgar did for his team. Do not punish him because Edgar took advantage of the DH rule put in place by the MLB.

Also, it’s not like Edgar had bad statistics. He hit .312 for his career with over 2000 hits and 1000 runs.  He was the most feared DH in MLB history!

Your punch bowl theory on how Edgar shouldn’t make it because Andre Dawson didn’t make it also void, as he is now in. Does that mean Edgar should go as well?

I encourage everyone reading this to boycott your column until your have made an appropriate apology and/or vote for Edgar and kiss his feet while begging for forgiveness. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

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Dear Tiger,

You’re widely accredited as one of the most dominant golfers of all time, as you’ve shattered modern golf records all over the world. The AP has even named you Athlete of the Decade. Additionally, this success has made golf fun to watch, making you responsible for much of the PGA’s success.

Recently, you’ve had some “indiscretions” with known porn stars and a few other college educated floozies. Your wife finds out, takes a two iron to the back of your Escalade on Thanksgiving evening while you try to escape her wrath. Here is the kicker: As you’ve had a few brewskies (it’s T-day after all) you lose control while looking back to see if she’s still chasing you and crash into a fire hydrant. I understand, these things happen.

Tangent: Note the club selection: 2 Iron. While a solid choice, I would’ve gone with the sand wedge. I always trust it to get me out of tough situations.

Consequently, a worldwide media storm ensues after your PR people try to spin it the story, saying your wife was “helping you escape from the vehicle.” Nearly everyone calls BS, including this Chinese television station, which creates this hilarious reenactment:

Now that’s quality programming.

So far, the biggest issue is that you’ve been relatively silent about the whole ordeal which has caused more and more questions, speculation and problems. As this is getting you nowhere, I suggest you consider this alternative:

Go into F you mode and become the night life equivalent of Michael Jordan/Dwayne Wade/Jay Z all rolled into one. Forget the ball and chain and go to town with every Hollywood Floozy/Supermodel/Cover girl in the business. Create a public hit list (See example below). Make outlandish bets in Vegas. Meanwhile, stick up two middle fingers any time the media pries into your social life.

Tiger’s Sample Hit List (if these have not already been checked off):

1. Kim Kardashian
2. Jennifer Aniston
3. Heather Locklear
4. Padma Lakschmi
5. Carmen Electra

You could even make this into a top ten list (if necessary). Even better: get a copy of the 2010 Playboy Calendar and make each pinup your goal for that month.

Next: proceed to go back on tour with a renewed purpose and anger. I mean just go Happy Gilmore style – taunt other players, throw clubs, swear and create havoc.

Also, you need an enemy on the course (see Shooter McGavin). My suggestion: Jesper Parnevik. He’s publicly criticized you during the affair, saying that he regrets introducing you to your current wife. Can you think of a better target? This could be like the Magic Johnson – Larry Bird Rivalry all over again. Secretly, the media will love you for it.

*Updated: As a full time ladies man, you’ll need a posse. It’s important to roll with guys who have your back in sticky situations. You need guys who aren’t afraid to throw down. Here are a few suggestions, courtesy of my buddy Big Red: Ron Artest, Chad OchoCinco, and perhaps even Charles Barkely.*

As for your sponsors, they’re always going to be calling. If Gatorade or Tag Heuer drops you from the payroll, others will pick you up like Playboy, Absolut, maybe even Cohiba Cuban Cigars. Also consider taking on your own reality show, where girls compete to win your favor (See Flavor of Love).

Take time to consider this option. This could be legendary.

Sincerely,

Chadrick Ashby
Northwest Sports Guy

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