360 Sports Blog

Dear Tiger,

You’re widely accredited as one of the most dominant golfers of all time, as you’ve shattered modern golf records all over the world. The AP has even named you Athlete of the Decade. Additionally, this success has made golf fun to watch, making you responsible for much of the PGA’s success.

Recently, you’ve had some “indiscretions” with known porn stars and a few other college educated floozies. Your wife finds out, takes a two iron to the back of your Escalade on Thanksgiving evening while you try to escape her wrath. Here is the kicker: As you’ve had a few brewskies (it’s T-day after all) you lose control while looking back to see if she’s still chasing you and crash into a fire hydrant. I understand, these things happen.

Tangent: Note the club selection: 2 Iron. While a solid choice, I would’ve gone with the sand wedge. I always trust it to get me out of tough situations.

Consequently, a worldwide media storm ensues after your PR people try to spin it the story, saying your wife was “helping you escape from the vehicle.” Nearly everyone calls BS, including this Chinese television station, which creates this hilarious reenactment:

Now that’s quality programming.

So far, the biggest issue is that you’ve been relatively silent about the whole ordeal which has caused more and more questions, speculation and problems. As this is getting you nowhere, I suggest you consider this alternative:

Go into F you mode and become the night life equivalent of Michael Jordan/Dwayne Wade/Jay Z all rolled into one. Forget the ball and chain and go to town with every Hollywood Floozy/Supermodel/Cover girl in the business. Create a public hit list (See example below). Make outlandish bets in Vegas. Meanwhile, stick up two middle fingers any time the media pries into your social life.

Tiger’s Sample Hit List (if these have not already been checked off):

1. Kim Kardashian
2. Jennifer Aniston
3. Heather Locklear
4. Padma Lakschmi
5. Carmen Electra

You could even make this into a top ten list (if necessary). Even better: get a copy of the 2010 Playboy Calendar and make each pinup your goal for that month.

Next: proceed to go back on tour with a renewed purpose and anger. I mean just go Happy Gilmore style – taunt other players, throw clubs, swear and create havoc.

Also, you need an enemy on the course (see Shooter McGavin). My suggestion: Jesper Parnevik. He’s publicly criticized you during the affair, saying that he regrets introducing you to your current wife. Can you think of a better target? This could be like the Magic Johnson – Larry Bird Rivalry all over again. Secretly, the media will love you for it.

*Updated: As a full time ladies man, you’ll need a posse. It’s important to roll with guys who have your back in sticky situations. You need guys who aren’t afraid to throw down. Here are a few suggestions, courtesy of my buddy Big Red: Ron Artest, Chad OchoCinco, and perhaps even Charles Barkely.*

As for your sponsors, they’re always going to be calling. If Gatorade or Tag Heuer drops you from the payroll, others will pick you up like Playboy, Absolut, maybe even Cohiba Cuban Cigars. Also consider taking on your own reality show, where girls compete to win your favor (See Flavor of Love).

Take time to consider this option. This could be legendary.

Sincerely,

Chadrick Ashby
Northwest Sports Guy

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Tags: Open Letter, Tiger Woods

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 17th, 2009 at 9:35 am by nwsportsguy and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.